Part 2: No Nagging Allowed
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:9
When I first married my husband, he helped in the kitchen by unloading the dishwasher. He often put things in places that had no logical connection to where they belonged. It aggravated me to be unable to find a dish when I needed it. “Why can’t he do it ‘right’?” I thought.
I finally realized; there was no right way to do the dishes. There was my way and his way. I chose to be appreciative and instead of “why can’t you ever remember where the measuring cups go?” it was “Honey, where did you put the measuring cups?” Or a gentle suggestion of where I wanted things stored.
So my voice was silent, but I have a tendency to store things up in my heart and found myself nagging him inside my head. This leads to resentment, damaging intimacy.
If something really does need to be addressed, I can’t just hide the elephant under the carpet in the middle of the room, walking around the lump in the middle of the floor forever. The smell will eventually drive us from the room, vastly interfering with our ability to communicate.
Even in the calmest of seasons, this principle can be a challenge.
What if it’s not a matter of putting away the china, taking out the trash or picking up his socks and there is major offense and betrayal involved? What if he doesn’t own up to what he has done or refuses to change? It can feel impossible to walk out this principle. It would be much easier to nag him about his faults and shortcomings and sins.
What if it’s not a matter of putting away the china, taking out the trash or picking up his socks and there is major offense and betrayal involved? What if he doesn’t own up to what he has done or refuses to change? It can feel impossible to walk out this principle. It would be much easier to nag him about his faults and shortcomings and sins.
How do we face the day and hold our tongue when life is not so pleasant?
CHOOSE. Make a choice to do the hard thing. The right thing. The thing that allows room for restoration. This doesn’t mean we don’t confront the problem or take care of ourselves. It does determine HOW we do it. We can still be direct, even angry at the sin, and confront in a way that leads to healing.
PRAY. We can NOT do this on our own. It is only by the grace of God we can hold our tongues. Only by his grace we can use words that heal instead of destroy.
PRAISE. Praise God for the good. The good that HE is. The good that will come from the mess. The good that has nothing to do with our marital situations. It puts our minds on the One who can solve the problem, instead of lingering on the problem itself.
ACT. Get help. Seek prayer from a few we trust. Seek counseling for ourselves even if he refuses. Stay involved –in church, with family and friends. Take care of ourselves, so we can better walk through the situation we’re in.
GIVE GRACE. To yourself. Even when you know what the right thing to do is, there are days when the best you can do is put one foot in front of the other and hang on to God. Healing a relationship takes time. Pain is numbing. And sometimes it comes and goes. A good day here, then a bad day. And just because you don’t have the feelings to match, doesn’t mean you’re not trusting God.
REMEMBER. God is walking through the troubled times with you. Often carrying you when you’re too tired.
By choosing the better path, we preserve the good still in our relationship and allow room for healing to take place.
but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2: 3-4
Do you find yourself in a place where you feel like it isn’t fair that you have to
choose the right thing when your husband is the one who offended you?
Are you willing to surrender this to God even when it’s hard?
Can you trust God for the good that will come out of the mess?
