The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves 

those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Discovering problems in your marriage at any time is hard. Near the holidays is more so. Several years ago when I discovered my husband’s secrets of sexual addiction, it was only two months till Thanksgiving. Family would soon fill our home.

I knew I wanted our marriage to last. I chose forgiveness, but my feelings hadn’t caught up all the way with my choice. We were going to counseling, but things were still tender and iffy.

I would cry at the drop of a hat. I carried more tension than usual attempting to keep things “normal” for the kids. I wanted to do the right thing one day and was angry the next.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, the greatest encouragement I can give you is to hold on to hope in GOD. Not in your marriage. Our strength, our worth, our future is in GOD, not in how well this life goes.

I looked back at how I handled that time to find some practical helps I could pass along. Some things I did right and other things I wish I had thought of. Here are some of both.

Rest. It’s easy to go overboard with busyness to avoid thinking about the mess around you. To give you the feeling you are in control. But your mind, heart and spirit will function better if you are not tired. You will respond better. You will make better decisions about the present as well as the future.

Find space. Take time to be alone. This will give you privacy to process things however you need to. Write in your journal. Worship. Pray. Cry. Scream and yell it out with God.  He can handle all the hurt and pain you feel right now. Let HIM carry your burden! If you have to be around family (and consider bowing out of some of those events) space is especially crucial.

Grieve. Even if you want to let God heal your relationship. Even if you have already chosen to forgive. Even if your spouse is doing the right things. You have lost something. Allow your heart and mind to process those losses through the grief.  Don’t rush this – even during the holidays. This is a good reason to make space for yourself.

Say NO. Give yourself permission to do what is best for your family. Do not fall into other’s expectations. Either from those who have no clue what is happening and expect everything to be normal or from those who do know and think they know how to “fix” this situation.  Only do those things that refresh you and comfort you.

Surround yourself with people who understand. You can’t just lock this up inside. Even if you only talk to a counselor, you need to talk. The secrets will turn into shame and bury you if you do not. Be selective and wise when you choose. Not everyone will know your journey or have the compassion to walk with you even if they do not.

Watch your talk. You may feel like tearing down your spouse. Don’t. It may be really hard to find the good, at least don’t say anything bad. If you have kids, remember they are watching and have a tendency to think tension between mommy and daddy is there fault.

Make things good for your kids. It’s okay to tone it down from your normal holiday routine. It’s probably healthy to do so. But keep some important traditions  even if it’s just you and the kids. Make memories with them, but don’t pretend that everything is okay. They know better. Don’t Focus on the problem. Acknowledge it, allow the kids room to process it and make the best memories you are able within your circumstance.